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Friday, March 27, 2009

Where oh where is whispy?

I'm here, digging myself out from the shadows. I've been able to piece PSP back together, and was able to get the key filters I use for designing put back into place along with all my other necessary "evils" that make designing easy, productive, and fun. :-) What's been going on with me? Well... quite a bit, as if I need more excitement and adventure in my life. First off, Hubby is fine from the accident. I have received a few messages about how he's doing, and he's perfectly fine. He had a slightly stiff shoulder the day after the accident, but nothing since that time. He's more upset over having the truck be totaled out than anything else. We still haven't decided if we are going to take the truck for salvage and pay out of pocket for any expenses, or to just give it over to the insurance company for good. Living on almost 20 acres requires having some type of farming vehicle, and I don't really think my wee Neon is gonna cut going across the pasture and mounds of dirt that the feral hogs dig up when they invade our property looking for tasty morsels. We're going to have to get another vehicle too, regardless if we keep the truck or not. We don't have the best credit, so not many people are willing to even look at us for financing at this point, even for a used vehicle. For me? Well.... that's an entirely different novel saga... *bittersweet smile* I've been in the shadows all week long after getting a phone call from the doctor's office Monday afternoon. I had gone to the doctor last week to discuss treatment options for my pcos (polycystic ovarian syndrome) since I was told I have a double uterus, and any iud method we were hoping to have went out the window because my girlie parts aren't made for it. I also haven't had my "friend" visit since January, which is pretty common to go months without anything and then bleed like no tomorrow for weeks on end when it does finally happen. I'm a ball of hormones that are totally out of control, mister! Well.. part of my treatment has been to put me on this medication that's used for treating type 2 diabetes: metformin. What this horsepill does is to counteract all the estrogen my body is throwing off, so much of the stuff it's making me develop testosterone and making me look rather manly (ick, man hands!) with facial hair and hair in places that shouldn't exist. o.O No one bothered to tell me once the metformin started doing its thing that I would become a super-uber-ultra-mega-brood-mare birthing machine and that it would be best to not do anything of an adult nature with Hubby until I got on some form of birth control method. To make a long story short: For the last few years, Hubby and I have desperately tried to have another baby. We finally gave up the ghost and accepted the fact it wasn't in the stars for us when we had the doctor's appointment last week. Well, surprise surprise Gomer Pile, we're expecting baby numero two. I have very mixed emotions at this point. I had just accepted the fact I wasn't going to have another baby, and was fine with just being the happy lil trio that we are. This news has completely blindsided me like no tomorrow. I'm so angry with the doctor's office about not telling me what we needed to do to help prevent this from happening. I didn't even know what pcos was until last weeks' appointment. I've been given this diagnosis a year ago, yet no one ever sat down to explain exactly what was going on, why I have such a hairy chin and sideburns, why I'm so overwheight, and why it's been so hard to have a baby. Not one blasted person. Now, I am preggy again, and I am just absolutely terrified. I was told at last week's appointment that if I did get preggy again, it would have just as much complication to it as with William, if not more so based upon my girlie parts' setup. I'm off my meds completely (bipolar meds), and am only taking the synthroid as well as the metformin minimally. I'm a complete wreck, and have been crying for hours a day just about since we "got the call" Monday. I am afraid I'll regret this baby, and that it will show through my emotions not only with the pregnancy, but afterward as well. I had the hardest time with attachment to William, and then there's the postpartum psychosis that I was hospitalized for nearly a month about with the homicidal thoughts I had of not only hurting William, but myself as well, or wanting to give him away to complete strangers who looked at me funny. I know I'm even in a manic state right now just sitting here typing this entry. I can tell it by how my fingers are slapping the keyboard, and how my train of thought is flowing. I just barely got William out of pullups the last month or two, and now I am looking at having to buy diapers all over again by the end of the year? I even know the EXACT DATE this happened: March 9th. That's sad, really sad. I have thoughts and feelings I so badly need to express, but if I did that, I'd have people jumping down my throat left and right and being all self rightous about, and I definitely can't take that right now. Anyway, this is where I've been. I'm designing for a charity collab kit for a fellow designer I work with over at CCK, and hopefully my contribution will be a welcome breath of fresh air for not only this wonderful cause, but for my psyche as well. I think I'm going to log here for a while and have some momma time with William, building a train track for Thomas and his friends. I have a few more papers I want to make for this collab kit, and then will get it all pieced together to get it sent off. Thanks for reading about things for me right now. If someone does wish to comment, please be so kind as to not preach to me. I'm not going to do what my feelings desire, because this is yet another blessing for us. It was 3 years to the day nearly that my Daddy passed away that our newest angel came into being. How can I give up on that? I can't. Anyway.. please be kind, that's all I ask.


llaxton said...

I don't have any super words of wisdom or really important medical knowledge to pass along. Just know that there are people care about you and are praying that your life will take a turn for the better. Keep your chin up and remember that we are usually a lot stronger than we realize. Sending good thoughts and prayers to you and for you.

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